Is this sample from my story good or bad?

“Casper listen to me just this once. They are after you not me. They couldn’t care less about what happens to me. You are different; you are what could change me. As long as I am human, they only have to do so much to eliminate me” My voice choked out hoarsely.


“Isobel you know I swore to your brother, I’d always protect you before protecting my self . . .” he began


“That does not include situations when your life is in danger Casper. You are everything to me, without you my world loses all its meaning. I’m nothing without you Casper. I love you.” I said the fullness of the compassion in my voice making his eyes grow wide.


“How can you love something that could kill you, steal you from everything you hold dear?” he asked stopping my upcoming outburst.


Words could not speak my precise emotions. A long silence fell in the atmosphere we stood in, the pine trees swaying gently. Suddenly I lunged at him doing what I had been thirsting to do for so long. My arms wove their way tightly around his neck crushing my lips to his as blood boiled beneath my skin. I parted my lips not caring whether it awakened his blood lust or not. His resistance faulted, as he replied his own desire driving him past lines he’d been told never to cross.


His hands moved from their strong-hold on my shoulders to weave them selves around the small of my back. I distantly knew our companions could hear and sense us soundlessly. I felt the feel of Casper’s fangs on the surface of my tongue their irresistible sharp, smooth feel. A sensation my soul would never let go of. Slowly our kiss finished but neither of us willing to break it up. I stepped back parting us. He looked at peace for the one true time; I had seen him in moonlight, his ocean blue eyes closed.


I took a breath, pulling up the courage for my words.


“Casper please run, hide yourself they are coming for you. . .” I tried vainly


“And what about the pack of dogs running after you, how are you going to protect your self from them?” He countered


“I have Gloria with me. I am stronger than you give me credit for Casper” I replied harshly


The moonlight fell across his features momentarily stealing my breath. His eyes glowing.


“I will run Isobel, only if you promise to come with me. That way if we are both to die, we die with each other”. He said levelling my gaze with his.


“Neither of us is going to die. I promise you that Casper” My voice strong with emotion.


“We’ll see what faith has in store for us” Casper muttered under his breath as he lowered him self into his Saleen.


I kicked the sodden earth, damning the creatures that hunted us. Anger brewing I walked around to the passenger side, opening the door and sliding in. The cold tan, leather doing nothing to soothe my anger, instead it remained in the bottom of my heart where it sizzled burning a black, evil hole in my gut. Casper turned the car on, marvelling in my furious silence.


The engine started up as silent as ever. Only adding more tension to the already deep in despair mood the atmosphere had morphed into. The Saleen drove down a familiar trail the tyres moving soundlessly over the damp ground. I absent minded began to chew my nails, my anxiety welling up inside me. Casper stared ahead into the crystal widescreen. Appearing from the forest into a clearing. car light’s from our companions shone in the dark. The tense faces of the couples as they sat static in their seats, their expressions haunting me. Casper drove on as they joined us each in turn making a line of cars. I breathed deeply.


“This would be easier Isobel, if we weren’t together. You at least could have a safe life”. Casper said as darkened landscapes flew past us at break neck speed.


“Don’t say that please Casper, of anything you choose to say to me. Please don’t say those words” I begged him looking at his beautiful face.


He turned to me, his expression unreadable in this dark light.


Tears sparkled my eyes and poured down my sorrowful cheeks. I cried from the pain caused by his cutting words. Pain ripped through my heart as a fast flood of hurt tears fell into my open lap. Soaking through the cotton material of my track pants.


“Please don’t leave my Casper” I sobbed through my tears.


The power of his silence hit in my lungs depriving me of my remaining breath.


“I won’t Isobel, stop crying” He said softly, a touch of shame in his smooth voice.


I tried bitterly to stem my watery eyes. His hand crawled to my lap, his fingers wrapping around my shaking knee.


“I’m pulling over, so I can properly comfort you” he said gently flicking on the indication and slowing down.


The car stopped in a gravel pull off, as our entourage pulled in behind us. Tears still trickling stubbornly down my cheeks. Casper undid his seat belt, leant over and released mine. His strong arms pulled me into his lap cradling me to him. As he rested my head under his chin, his hand rubbing my back while the other soothed my hair. I opened to the relief of my internal pain gratefully wrapping my arms around him. Gently he sung in my hair, an ancient song of centuries ago. His voice smooth and silky as black velvet washing away my agony and fear. My tears stopped as he kissed away the last droplet resting on my skin. I leaned into his glacial embrace, closing my eyes.


“Better?” His melodic voice asked above my head.


“Much” I answered sliding back into my designated seat.


He smiled tenderly, tucking my fringe behind my ear. I leaned my head against his fingers, kissing each softly in turn until he reluctantly pulled his hand back.


“Come on Rose, let’s beat these demons of ours” He spoke calling me by my middle name.


I smiled weakly. As our journey kicked off again.








“Didn’t the rest worry, when we stopped?” I asked sometime later.


“No, I had told them beforehand we might stop a few times on the way”. He answered as a vibrating sound came from Casper’s sleek, black mobile phone.


“Could you answer that for me please” He requested


I picked up the smooth rectangular object, my eyes flickering to the illuminated ID.


“It’s Imogen” I stated to Casper flicking open the face plate.


“Imogen” I answered casually


“The hunters are on our trail. We can outrun them if we take the high road on the next left” She explained briskly wasting no time in getting into business.


“How far behind us are they?” I asked the first logical question to come to me after the information dump she had given me.


“Layton says twenty-five miles, but their moving quickly. And their thirsty. So I recommend adding another item of clothing on” She stated her words coming quickly. I grabbed my jumper from the back seat, throwing it on while holding the phone to my ear.


“Ok is that it?” I asked checking


“For now, yes it is. Good luck Izzy” she aid before hanging up promptly.


“So their following” Casper said.


I should have known he would have been listening.


“Their behind us by twenty-five, but Imogen says we can outrun them if we take the higher road, rather than stay on this road” I answered a strange determined feeling clenching inside me


“On the left” Casper added.


I nodded as the car veered to the left turning on a completely unlit road that ran over the gorge, instead of through it. The full, pearly light of the moon was the only source of light on this ribbon over the land. On we drove our band of cars, lights, vampires and a human. All of us running for our lives.

Is this sample from my story good or bad?
Another Twilight rip off. YA is full of them. Sorry. This is why so many publishers now list in their submission guidelines NO VAMPIRES! There are just too many of them out there. Publishers aren%26#039;t biting anymore. Pun intended. Do you have any original stories to share? Pax-C
Reply:Good story, but needs some work, like editing and rewrites. Just a couple of examples: fate, not faith. %26quot;Words could not speak my precise emotions.%26quot; Leave that out altogether.


The story is sorely lacking in commas to seperate things.


Keep writing!


Good luck.
Reply:OMG THAT WAS AMAZINGGG.


reminds me of twilight, new moon, and eclipse. Not counting the small errors in punctuation andspelling, your on your way to a best seller. =]]]]
Reply:Its good you don%26#039;t describe whats chasing you, (which proves what you cant see is more scary than what you can see) the dark night is scary enough and you leave it up to your readers imagination, good show young lady
Reply:ok i think stephenie meyer will sue u cause its like some of the same lines! but u have a good wrighting style, just use ur own ideas
Reply:I didn%26#039;t read the entire segment, but it seems overly dramatic.
Reply:that was long! yeah maybe you should change it abit...but i still think its good. and harry potter is better than twilight! HEY! you could add some magic in it. kidding
Reply:How about you put that piece on worthyofpublishing.com. You%26#039;ll get more professional reviews than on here as most people on that site tend to be better writers...not all of them, mind you! You%26#039;re copyright protected, so don%26#039;t worry about people stealing your stuff like they can on here. If you get enough people who want to buy it, you may be looked at by a publisher. You should read my featured novel Witch Tourniquet while you%26#039;re there!



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